Emphasizing the Process over the Outcome

In our Montessori preschool and elementary environment, we prioritize the journey rather than the destination. Instead of fixating on grades or external rewards, we encourage children to fully engage in the process of learning. Whether they are tackling a math problem, completing a puzzle, or crafting a piece of artwork, we highlight the importance of effort, perseverance, facing challenges, and unleashing creativity. By valuing the process, children develop a deep sense of satisfaction and fulfillment derived from their own efforts, nurturing a lifelong passion for learning. Here are some examples of ways to emphasize your child’s process during specific activities:

Cooking

Involving children in the entire cooking process cultivates their innate enthusiasm and curiosity, fostering enjoyment of the activity while simultaneously acquiring knowledge and skills. This hands-on approach instills a profound sense of accomplishment, which serves as a driving force for motivation and cultivates inner-directed discipline. Rather than seeking external praise, children are empowered by their personal experiences and direct understanding of their capabilities. Encourage their participation in selecting ingredients, measuring, mixing, and observing changes during cooking. Focus on the collaborative joy of working together and the process itself, rather than solely awaiting the finished dish. As children engage more actively, their sense of ownership and pride in their contributions naturally increases.

Arts and Craft Activities

Offer open-ended materials such as paint, clay, scissors, found objects and glue, allowing children to explore their creativity without the constraint of a predetermined outcome. Instead of evaluating the final artwork against conventional standards, often used in traditional childcare or daycare settings, encourage discussion about their process; what they created and how they went about it. Focus on appreciating their use of color, space, and imagination. This level of engagement not only nurtures creativity but also fosters a profound sense of internal satisfaction, reducing the likelihood of undesirable behaviors.

Encouragement Vs Praise

Distinguishing between encouragement and praise is crucial. While praise often entails external evaluation and judgment (“You are so smart!”), encouragement centers on recognizing effort and progress (“You worked really hard on that”). Genuine encouragement validates the child’s intrinsic value and endeavor, fostering resilience and self-assurance. This approach nurtures confidence rooted in personal growth rather than seeking external validation. Here are examples illustrating the difference between praise and encouragement:

Praise: “Good job!” Encouragement: “You did it!”

Praise: “You are such a good boy or girl for sharing your toys!” Encouragement: “I see you are taking turns and sharing with your friends. That is very kind of you.”

Praise: “You are so smart! You got all the answers correct!” Encouragement: “You must have studied hard to understand this.” Or simply, “You must have worked hard on this.” Or inquire how your child feels.

Praise: “I am so proud of you!” Encouragement: “How do you feel about it?”

Praise: “Your art is beautiful!” Encouragement: “Look at all of those colors you used in your drawing!” or “Tell me more about your art.” “What’s this?” “I see you have used a lot of blue.” You get the idea.

Goal Setting and Independence

Dr. Montessori’s scientific observation of children revealed that coaching and empowering children to set their own goals and take ownership of their learning journey encouraged responsibility at a young age. One of our core values a Living Montessori, is independence along with taking responsibility. Whether it is mastering a new skill or overcoming a challenge, children are taught how to set realistic goals and take incremental steps towards achieving them. Along the way, mistakes are viewed as valuable opportunities for growth and learning rather than failures to be feared or be ashamed of. By embracing mistakes as natural aspects of the learning process, children develop confidence, resilience, adaptability, and a growth mindset essential for lifelong learning. Here are some examples for cultivating goal setting in your child:

Setting Achievable Milestones

Help your Kindergarten or elementary child break down larger goals into smaller, achievable milestones. This approach makes goals more manageable and provides a sense of accomplishment along the way. For example, if their goal is to learn to ride a bike, help them set milestones such as balancing without training wheels, pedaling independently, and riding a short distance without assistance. For toddlers and preschool age children, just breaking down larger tasks into smaller ones is sufficient to encourage a sense of accomplishment. As they succeed with smaller tasks you may increase the complexity.

Normalizing Mistakes

Create an environment where mistakes are seen as a natural part of learning and growing, freeing your child to explore and try new things. Instead of reacting negatively to mistakes, respond with empathy and understanding. For example, if your child spills a glass of milk, you might say, “That is fine, let us clean it up together.” Sometimes, demonstrating a sturdier way of carrying things is helpful, but at other times, letting your child figure it out through trial and error is more beneficial for their growth and sense of self. In our preschool and toddler program, we usually demonstrate an activity and then invite the child to practice as much as they want to achieve mastery. We only intervene if a child is misusing the materials or is in danger. If an activity is clearly too complex for the child to manage, it is important to ask if they need help before jumping in. Once your child is comfortable step away and let him or her grapple with it.

Encouraging Self-reflection

Helping your child link their behavior to the results of their actions is crucial for motivating them to make appropriate choices. Encourage your child to reflect on their mistakes and identify what they have learned from them. Ask open-ended questions such as, “What happened?”, “What do you think went wrong?”, and “What could you do differently next time?” These questions, when asked without a judgmental attitude, promote genuine discernment, critical thinking, problem-solving skills and a sense of ownership. When addressing inappropriate behaviors, such as throwing objects or hitting others, it is important to distinguish these actions from mistakes. Clearly communicate to your child that such behavior is unacceptable and take immediate action. For example, say, “We do not throw things. If you throw it again, I will put it away, and you will need to try again later.” If your child repeats the behavior, follow through with what you said you would do. Once your child has calmed down and is receptive, ask them why you put the object away. This helps reinforce the lesson without overwhelming them with lengthy explanations. Too much explaining about why your child can or cannot do something is often ineffective as it stops them from reflecting. Immediate, age-appropriate consequences that are directly related to the misbehavior help the child self-regulate and modify their behavior. Repeated explanations without consequences only drain the parent’s energy without leading to behavior change in the child.

Problem-Solving and Decision Making

In the Montessori setting, children are presented with a rich array of materials and experiences that stimulate their curiosity and creativity. Through open-ended exploration and hands-on activities, children learn to make appropriate choices, solve problems, and navigate challenges autonomously. By empowering children to make decisions and take responsibility for their actions, Montessori education nurtures self-directed learners capable of thriving in an ever-changing world. Here are some examples of how you can help your child with problem solving skills and decision making.

Modeling Problem-Solving

Model problem-solving skills in your own life and involve your child in the process if it is age appropriate. Talk through your decision-making process and problem-solving strategies aloud, so your child can observe and learn. For example, if you are faced with a dilemma, discuss the different options, weigh the pros and cons, and explain your reasoning behind your decision. Keep it simple.

Encourage Participation in Problem-Solving

Involve your child in coming up with solutions when they encounter conflicts, giving them an opportunity to practice and test out what works and what does not. For example, if two children want to play with a truck at the same time and one child grabs it from the other, wait to see if they can resolve the conflict themselves. If they continue to struggle, approach the situation calmly and ensure both children feel heard. Act as their coach or mediator, guiding them towards a solution by asking open-ended questions. For example, “What can we do so that both of you get a turn with the truck?” or “How can we make sure everyone has fun playing? “Allow the children to suggest solutions. If your child says, “I can play with it first, then my friend can have it,” ask the friend, “Does that work for you?” If they agree, help them set a timer or determine a way to signal when it is time to switch. If they struggle to find a solution, offer gentle suggestions. For example, “Maybe we can set a timer for five minutes, and then it is the next person’s turn. What do you think about that?” Ensure the solution is implemented and check in to make sure it is working. If necessary, help them make adjustments. In a situation where a friend is expected for a playdate, you might ask your child what they wish to share and give them an opportunity to put away activities they are not willing to share. When giving choices, help them reflect on their decisions without judgment, allowing them to honestly see what works and where they can try something else.

By guiding the children through the process of acknowledging their feelings, discussing solutions, and making agreements, you help them to consider themselves as well as others. In this environment children are likely to grow up with an ability to reason, make appropriate choices, self- reflect, self-evaluate and feel confident. There is true freedom in having the space to make mistakes, learn from them and know that you are still ok, that you still matter without exterior validation. This is what ultimately leads to inner directed discipline, a lifelong quality. What a gift!

To incorporate these principles into your parenting or teaching style, remember the following:

• Encourage intrinsic motivation by focusing on the process rather than the outcome.
• Use encouragement vs. praise
• Foster a discerning vs. a judgmental environment
• Support your child in setting their goals and use mistakes as a learning opportunity.
• Coach them through problem-solving and decision-making process, empowering them to make choices.
• Most of all remember this is a process that takes times but yields lifelong rewards

Citations

• Montelores Early Childhood Council – The Whole-Brain Child 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind [PDF]
• Nationwide Children’s Hospital – Problem Solving: How To Teach Young Children
• Center on the Developing Child (Harvard University) – How to Motivate Children: Science-Based Approaches for Parents, Caregivers, and Teachers
• Authentic Parenting – Discipline vs Punishment
• Living Montessori – 5 Pillars Of Raising Well-Adjusted Children The Montessori Way.