The fourth pillar of raising a well-adjusted child, the Montessori way, is follow-through. This is the next layer of raising well-adjusted children. Without follow through all efforts can fall apart. Follow through is not about punishment but about letting children experience the impact of their choices and fostering self-awareness and accountability. Here are some insights into how to follow-through and how it is integrated in the Montessori philosophy:

Consistently Follow-Through with Boundaries and Agreements

As we learned in Part Two of our series, consistency forms the foundation of follow-through in Montessori settings. Children thrive in environments where expectations are clear and consistently upheld. Whether it involves enforcing bedtime routines, screen time limits, cleaning up, or respecting others and the environment, consistent and immediate follow-through provides predictability and clarity. It helps children build self-regulation, stability, trust, cooperation, and respect.

Reasonable and logical Consequences

Montessori advocates for consequences that are reasonable, logical, and directly related to the behavior in question. Consequences serve as natural outcomes of actions, providing valuable learning experiences. These kinds of experiences become the internal enforcer. Here are some reasonable and logical consequences that can provide valuable learning experiences for your child:

Clean-up Responsibilities

If a child ignores the expectation that they need to clean up their toys or belongings, a logical consequence might involve temporarily limiting access to those toys until they demonstrate responsibility in tidying up. This approach helps children understand the direct link between their actions and consequences, promoting accountability and self-awareness.

Hurting Others and Other Inappropriate Behaviors

If a child is hitting, kicking, or displaying other inappropriate behaviors, a reasonable and logical consequence is to remove the child from the area. If the behavior occurs while they are with you, remove them from your presence or hold their hand to stop them immediately. Remind them that hitting hurts and that hurting other is not acceptable; they cannot be around others if they choose to hit. If the child is demonstrating frustration by hitting, acknowledge their frustration once they have calmed down. Coach them when they are receptive by asking questions and providing appropriate suggestions for how they can communicate their frustration next time. Do this repeatedly and allow opportunities to practice by using role playing until you see a change in their ability to manage frustration in appropriate ways.

Remember to administer the consequence first, then offer an explanation. Too much explanation and not enough action can reinforce negative behavior. Instead, ask the child why they think a particular consequence was implemented. This approach helps them understand the connection between their actions and the consequences.

Taking Responsibility for Toys and Materials

If a toy or material is accidentally damaged, guide your child in repairing it or show them why it can no longer be used. Emphasize the importance of respecting and taking care of their belongings.

Conflict Resolution

If your child is arguing with a friend over a toy, facilitate a discussion where they express their feelings, listen to each other’s perspectives, and brainstorm solutions together. This approach teaches children valuable communication and problem-solving skills while also fostering empathy and understanding.

Clear Communication

Remember from our previous blogs to involve your children, where appropriate, in establishing rules. Clearly communicate expectations and the consequences for not meeting them. For instance, inform your child in advance about the duration of an event or activity. Set clear expectations and provide a reminder as the time to leave approaches. When it is time to leave, follow through by leaving with your child or moving on, even if your child shows reluctance or resistance. When met with resistance, you can say, “We are leaving now. You can walk on your own, or I will pick you up.” This might involve carrying them to the car or holding their hand. For a child that struggles with transitions, offer strategies such as giving a five-minute warning before it is time to leave or allowing them to choose one final activity before leaving. After communicating, ask your child to restate the expectation to ensure they understand.

Acknowledgement

Acknowledge their efforts and offer encouragement for future situations. “Thank you for coming when I asked. I know it was hard to leave because you were having so much fun. Let us plan to come here again soon!” Sometimes simply thanking a child for helping and letting them know how their contribution made a difference is sufficient. Giving children the space to experience the results of their actions and helping them to acknowledge and recognize consequences is more effective in fostering inner directed discipline than praise and rewards.

Follow-Through on Promises

If you promise something, make sure to follow through. If you say, “when you finish your homework, we will go to the park,” ensure the trip to the park happens. This builds trust and reliability. It lets your child know he or she is valued, which encourages cooperation.

Modeling Behavior

Model the behavior you expect from your children. If the expectation is to speak politely, make sure you consistently speak politely to others. Children learn by observing, and modeling appropriate behavior reinforces the expectations you set.

Consistency reinforces the message that commitments are to be honored, fostering a sense of trust and security in children.

Final Thoughts

It is important to note that young children in the first plane of development (toddler, preschool, and kindergarten age) are concrete thinkers and respond well to visual aids. In our Montessori classroom, for instance, children use small mats for floor activities to foster respect for their workspace. These mats provide a clear visual boundary. Teachers explain the purpose of the mat and remind children to respect this boundary by walking around it. If a child forgets and walks on the mat, disrupting the work, the teacher kindly asks the child to come back and try walking around the mat again, without scolding or shaming. The teacher might say, “Remember, we walk around the mat. Now come back and try again, please.” The teacher ensures this rule is followed consistently. If a child resists, the teacher will explain that they can choose another activity only after they show respect for other children’s space.

For table work, children learn that the number of chairs determines how many children can work at that table. A teacher might say, “There are two chairs here, so it is a two-person work.” Young children usually accept this easily. If a child resists, the teacher might say, “I know you really want to sit at this table, but it is a two-person table. You can use it later when Zach is done. For now, do you want to choose this work or that work?” If the child throws a tantrum, the teacher asks them to move away from the others and return when they are ready to choose an activity, rather than yielding to the child’s demands. Although a child may be unhappy for a while, this consistent follow-through helps the child trust that the teacher means what they say and usually leads to the child settling down and understanding the rules.

Visual aids and demonstrations are powerful tools for helping children become aware of their environment. This, in turn, helps minimize the need for external discipline and maximizes autonomy and cooperation. At home, use as many concrete methods as possible to communicate your expectations, whether through visual aids or by showing and setting up the environment appropriately, as discussed in our blog regarding environment.

We hope this blog provides valuable insights and practical means for you to succeed in raising well adjusted children. Growing up is a lifelong process! These practices lay a foundation for your child to gain the capacities and tools to become self-aware, respectful, responsible and confident members of our society, living a fulfilled life and impacting the lives of all beings.

If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share their feelings, and grow.

– Alfie Kohn

To incorporate these principles into your parenting or teaching style, remember the following:

• You are your child’s coach.
• Consistently follow through with established boundaries and agreements, even if it is difficult.
• Clearly communicate what is expected.
• Ensure consequences are reasonable, logical, and related to the behavior.
• Be a role model.
• Use follow-through as a teaching opportunity rather than punishment.

Citations

• Montelores Early Childhood Council – The Whole-Brain Child 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind [PDF]
• Alfie Kohn – Unconditional Parenting
• Living Montessori – 5 Pillars Of Raising Well-Adjusted Children The Montessori Way.